Keep Smiling :)

“You’ll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. “

It’s not usual for me to receive compliments on how strong I am. In fact, as far as I can remember I never had.

Or maybe it was only recently when I went through such a hard time that really requires me to be strong.

Losing someone you love is one of the most devastating experience ever.

We all know that nothing is permanent in the world, people come and go, they will leave us any time whether we expect it or not, it will happen and we won't have any choice.

That’s part of life - beginnings and endings.

Despite that fact, you will never be prepared enough, NEVER. The pain will always be a part of it.

The moment I lost my father, there aren't enough words to express how in despair I was.

I felt like I cannot bear to smile anymore, thinking that I already lost the best man in my life.

I’ve been crying for hours. I’ll force myself to sleep, thinking everything is just a dream that it isn’t really happening.

That when I wake up, I’m back in my usual life, but when I open my eyes.. I am slapped by the reality that he.. really is gone :(

During those times I thought I’d forget how to smile. I thought the word ‘happiness’ is totally out of my system.

But then to my surprise, I was wrong. At Papa’s wake, I’ve seen how affected the people were.

I always knew that my father was a good man. But I never realized how he touched a lot of people’s lives.

And right then, I've seen enough reasons worthy of smile..

Those people whom lives he have touched, the people who were there to comfort us, who never left us, people who share the same emotion as we have.

I was also overwhelmed by my friends who were the best reason that I manage to smile. They came to me, share hugs and words of comfort but instead of focusing on how dreadful the situation was, they’ll do things they normally do, be playful and jolly, and that helped a lot. It was a relief to know that, yeah, I can still smile and laugh.

When I thought I forgot how to be happy, my optimism hits me.

Losing him is the hardest ever, but I know it wouldn't happen if God thought I couldn't bear it.

It was His will and I can never question him.

Honestly, I was also surprised by how I was coping up with the situation.

I never thought that there’s a brave fighter in me.

Or maybe, I’d be totally selfish and unfair if I would just sob all day, when everyone else around me are making efforts just to see me smile.

And just recently I had a friend, who lost his father too :(

I felt really bad because I know how it feels; I've been there, and in fact still going through it.

But her words just touched me.

She told me that I was her inspiration. She was thinking of me, at times when she felt that things wouldn't turn okay.

She thought I was strong enough because I can smile, and if I managed to do it, then why can’t she?

And when I was talking to her, I can feel that she really is doing her best to be as strong as she can be.

I swear it was the best compliment ever. For you to be an inspiration to someone, is so touching and over whelming.

I could not even think of a perfect adjective to describe how I feel.

I was in tears with her words. And really, I am thankful that at times when I feel so down, I was able to inspire others.

I never thought my smile would mean a lot. 

And this is something that I owe to my Father.

My always happy and smiling Papa :)

He passed on his positive vibes to me :)

After all, he still gives me a lot of reason to be thankful for,  reasons to smile. I know he will always be with us, forever...


Keep Smiling :)

much love,

Jess

                                                                                                                                    

Tied together with a smile

While on the bus on my way to the office, I saw a man with a little girl, and instantly tears formed the corner of my eyes.

I feel like crying seeing a father and daughter scene – oh, when will I have that again?

I wished I never grow up, and remain that little girl who can’t sleep without having my Papa around.

Now it’s totally the opposite, I’m a grown up and getting used to the fact that he is not physically around.. anymore L

As I was controlling my seems-like outburst of tears, I heard TSwift singing on the background with the song playing on my phone.

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

Yeah right, I am a girl who cried a lot. But nobody knows. Who can tell that I do cry, 2 – 3 times a week?

Looks can be deceiving. What you see is not always what you get.

I just hope one day, I can let it all out.

It’s hard keeping it all by your self. Not letting the people around see the sobbing version of me.

But this is not just a façade, though I smile to hide my tears, I also smile because I’m happy…happy and grateful that despite the difficulties,

God is here with us, guiding us, giving us strength and hope.

A reason to smile, right? J

much love,

jess

Contrary

In this bizarre world,

I seek for clarity

In chaos,

I wished for peace

On the crossroad ahead,

I’ve asked for sign

In the darkness,

I keep searching for the light

In misery,

I dreamt for happiness

With all the fears,

I tried to be brave

In rejections,

I insist second chances

In loneliness

I yearn for affection

With once upon a time

There is happily ever after

Dear blog

 

Hello to you my dear blog. I know I don’t visit you often, and I am sorry for that.

I told myself that I will try my best to catch up with you. You must have been bored since my last post seems like a lifetime ago.

I wanted to catch up with you, or maybe it should be the other way around.  It’s you, catching up with what is up on my life.

Some people aren’t really born expressive, people who don’t wear their heart on their sleeves. And I am guilty of that.

I am not the WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) type.

I just don’t think expressing everything I feel is necessary at all.

When I am down, I don’t want others to feel the same way. When people do care for you, what you feel can be infectious to them.

I want my joy to be contagious but if it’s the opposite that I feel, I’d rather conceal it so nobody would notice.

Sometimes, I can’t quite understand why I am like that.

So by writing I’m trying to be my most expressive self.

This could be the perfect outlet for my sentiments.

But problem is, when in front of you I’m in outburst of emotions and thoughts, and ends up with none.

Nothing to write L

 

Don’t you worry dear, I’ll try my best.

But promises are meant to be broken, so I won’t promise then J

 

Just please bear with me, my dear blog.

 

 

with much love,

jess

 

 

 

 

 

Hold on tears..

Monday
August 27,2012

We were so excited on our way to the cemetery. Visiting Papa has always been something we always look forward to. As usual we were with a bunch of kids who really loved him as well.

The sad climatic part 

While walking, my younger brother is carrying a bottle of Soda when it suddenly fell off and got broken. We thought that was it, til we saw that he got wounded. The wound was serious that he was rushed to the hospital for some stitching.

Emotional outburst

On our way home, I can't help but think why things like this happen to us. The past few months has been tough. Problems of all sort. And with what happened to my brother,seems like the world is testing our limits to the point that I just wanna break down & cry. I feel like I've been trying my best to fight all these but I am afraid that all of it may be too much for me to bear.

Seeing the light

Coping up, recovering, moving on, standing strong and Holding on to Him. Hope these would be enough.

Good thing, my inner fighter is in constant battle against my tears.


Lord, help us surpass all these tests.

(Joshua 1:9) 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

In our temporary home

"This is my temporary Home

It's not where I belong

Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through

This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going

I'm not afraid because I know this was

My temporary home."

I can't help but be emotional upon watching this music video for the first time.
I came to realize that this is how should I view life. 
Nothing is permanent, everything is temporary.
People come and go. Whatever started will eventually end. 

I suddenly remembered my Papa. It's been 5 months since he left but to be honest the pain hasn't changed. Before, I thought that maybe It's not yet his time to go, but looking back I realized he already lived a happy life. He made all of us happy and touched our lives. 
He really was a good father, he's the best and I will miss him..forever :(
I know he's in a better place now, a place where he truly belong. 
He is with our creator.
Someday we will all meet again.
And I am thankful that I was blessed with a father like him, here..  in our temporary home.

I've been trying to write a something about my father, but I always end up crying.So this one's a good sign. I hope matapos ko na yung dedicated blog post ko for Papa.

much love,
jessanel

Nail art love!

Just wanna share my favorite nail art so far. 
It's my first time to try hand painted nail art, my previous were all stickers kasi, so this is really cool!
Can't help but admire 'Pinca', ang galing nya, she just used regular nail polish, no special brushes.
I am totally amazed while watching her doing this, effortless, parang wala lang! How I wish keri ko din to, but you can't have it all, haha =) Well I'm not that artistic lang talaga. 

Anyway, another cute and pink nails - super love :)

I wonder what's next??
hmmmmm 


much love,

jess

Topsy Turvy

adv.
1. With the top downward and the bottom up; upside-down.
2. In or into a state of utter disorder or confusion: "turning our ordered life topsy-turvy" (Anne Tyler).

adj. top·sy-tur·vi·er, top·sy-tur·vi·est
1. Turned or positioned upside down; inverted.
2. Confused or disordered.

Well, the definitions say it all. I am totally in a state of disorder and confusion. 
Move forward or stagnate? Do what I want or do what is right? A lot of questions bugging my mind, and right now I'm having tough time deciding.

I've been into a lot of thinking lately and I've been talking to people who can relate to what I feel. It helps in a way, but in the end it boils down to what is on my mind. 

I always believed that my optimism will take me far. Not giving up easily and seeing the bright side of things. But,reality bites. I just had my wake up call. It will lead me nowhere, or maybe somewhere but not where I wanted and dreamed of. 

Decisions like this makes me sick. 
But then, I have to be brave.
I'm a big girl now.

I'll go for what I want. And I'll chase for it.
I am not afraid. (or maybe a little.. haha)
But hey, God is with me. He will Guide me. 

I can do this.
AJA!


with much love,

Jess

I dislike what I'm feeling.
I wanted contentment, but at certain point I tend to think of other possibilities out there for me.
gawd.. I really hate this! 
Can somebody please take all these thoughts out of me.
Confusing paths. Which one should I take?
I wanna be enlightened.
Encouragements and discouragements, I think I needed both.
Lord please help me.