I did it!
The latest act of bravery I can add on my list.
For some time in my life, I felt as though I am stuck somewhere I shouldn't be. I tried giving my self more time to assess the situation and weigh things over. Maybe I am still on the adjustment period, it always happens right? At first you think you're not supposed to be there and it's not for you, but if you let yourself go on with it, eventually you will realize you were wrong for not liking it in the first place.
I think, things didn't turn that way for me though. I gave myself few more months, no, actually years! But the longer I stayed, the more I feel like I am not meant for this. This is not what I wanted to do for the next years of my life. I always feel like every hours should have been spent for something more gratifying, exciting, fulfilling and something that really makes me happy.
But things aren't simple as they seem. If I would only think of myself and whatever desires I have in my heart, I guess I would have quit right away. But no, there are a lot of underlying factors to consider. I cannot just ignore them, that would be... selfish. So I stayed far longer than I thought I should. I got to the point that I was very comfortable with whatever I'm doing. I felt I am so great with the things I do. It turned into a safe zone for me. But then reality hit me again. The clock ticks so fast, and I grew older and older. If this is not the path that I want, then why am I still here?
And come to think of it, the factors I have been considering before have not changed at all. Still the same.
So what's the point? What should I do?
Risk.
That's it! The only way. I have to take some risk If I wanted changes in my life. I have to leave that safe zone and be brave enough to face whatever the consequences of my chosen path. I must admit, it was hard. I realized that If you're about to make some big leap of faith, make sure to take a lot of positivity with you. As you think about what's ahead of you, you will see not only the bright side. You will encounter worries and fears but you have to fight all those negative thoughts away.
And finally, I have gathered enough courage to do that one thing I'm dreading to do for years.
I said No. I left the safe zone. I finally cut the rope.
And to tell you, it was the most liberating experience I ever had.
As John Green wrote on his book Paper Towns:
“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”
So true. When I finally decided to quit my job, I started asking myself why I never did it a long time ago. It's like all those years I have been very afraid and worried that I always end up not doing it instead. The fear gotten into me that I lost my courage to stand up and fight for what I really want. But now that I did it, I can't help but felt stupid (honestly) for worrying that much before. I chose stagnation over moving forward, that's the effect of my fear. Good thing I'm over it now.
I can never say that all those years I spent was wasted time. Never. It may not be what I want, but still I'm doing something, which is totally better than nothing. I gained a lot of experience, learned lessons and met wonderful people. How can I regret all those?
I think it is all part of the process. There are times you will struggle in finding the courage within you, but in the end what matters most is that you find it somehow. It is not too late nor to early because it all happened in God's time.
He gave me all those years to gather the strength and courage so that when I am about to make a big decision in life, I will be ready and brave enough to take risks. And now that I did, I hope things will get better for me. I just have to put my best foot forward and always stay positive!
xoxo
jess
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